cymry | a time for introspection.

i've been playing with the Random button on LJ for the past few days, and i've discovered one thing: while there are a lot of young, 15 year old kindergoths and other such nonsense out there, so too are there a whole range of highly intelligent, creative, inspiring people out there who make me wish i was other than i am.

and i refuse to let that attitude take me down.

admittedly, i need to refocus my creativity. i haven't touched any of my writing in over a month, i haven't drawn anything in at least 6, and i haven't designed anything in over a year. i'm tumbling downhill with no roots in sight, nothing to stop my headlong plunge into the abyss that is mediocrity. i hate it, i don't want to be there, yet reality intrudes in such a way that the life i want takes second place to the life i lead. and honestly, i just don't have the courage to jump off the train. the mist is just too thick.

so instead, i must do my best and come to terms with who i am and what i have become. i keep clutched to my chest the dregs of who i want to be, and strive to achieve those lack-luster dreams in the distant land of "some day". for now, i sit on this window ledge and contemplate the drop, look up at the sky and wish i could just float my way up to the clouds. the lights look so much prettier from up there.

i am not what you want me to be. i am not a corporate drone. yes, i am the reliable one, the one who gets things done, the rock in the flood that everyone gets to stand on, dry footed, as i sputter beneath the waves. but that is my honor and my duty, and i would not be complete without it. i could definately do without the self-doubt, however, and the mockery, the sneers, the adversity of the everyday world when faced with a plain, mousy girl who looks just like everyone else. i am who i need to be. maybe someday, i'll be who i want to be.