![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
it's gonna feel really strange not to go to Passeport tonite. it's become second nature, habit almost, and despite the occasional off night, i still enjoy it. makes you appreciate it, i guess. maybe i just enjoy the release of being able to dance without caring who's looking or what they think or some other such nonsense. it's a refreshing change from me being hyper-paranoid-everyone-is-looking-at-me!Cymry. gotta lock that part of my personality away every once in a while, i guess...
so tonite, instead of enjoying the wonders of over-bright lights and too-loud music, i'm gonna do laundry, dishes, and watch tv. ooooh, so exciting *dripping sarcasm* but i'm just so tired...
~~***~~
it's occured to me recently that, were i to stop whining, complaining, repeating myself, bitching, and generally making a nuisance of myself, there wouldn't be much left to my personality. any idea how depressing that is? yes, yes, i'm a wonderful, caring person. *looks at ford and 'fana* i know. i appreciate the sentiment, but let's face it, shall we? i'm not looking for sympathy here. i'm just trying to puzzle this through as i'm only ever able to do by writing something down.
the human personality seems to be made up of infinite small quirks, traits and mannerisms that makes each of us unique and individual. when we notice something about ourselves that we don't like, we try to change it. sometimes we're even successful. yet when we are, isn't that trait automatically replaced by something else, something which could potentially be just as annoying (or more so) than what we've just eliminated? or is it too much to assume that the personality must contain a certain number of traits and quirks. it seems that, over the years, i've eliminated (or, at least, decreased) a number of things about myself i considered detrimental or wrong. and yet, i've still got things about myself that bother me, or even that i would be only too happy to stop doing if i had the concentration to catch myself every time. so did these traits crop up once i got rid of the old ones? were they latent and only awakened once there was space for them? or are they only noticeable now because the others are gone? is it possible to eliminate all the bad traits and be left with nothing?
apparently, the architectural part of myself insists that everything be delineated and proportional. silly me.
alright, i'm just rambling, i guess. i just don't like who i am right now, and without a concerted effort to pinpoint exactly what i wanna change, i can't make a proper effort to change it. i don't think i could ever be a pleasant person. i'm too harsh, too honest, too plainspoken, too direct. apparently, too rude as well, but that's a matter of opinion. (it's reassuring to know that at least one of my coworkers thought the entire "attitude adjustment" speech from my manager was funny).
*shrug*
alright, enuf. i'll undoubtedly be back in a few hours, with more ramblings and musings and generally useless thoughts of interest to no one but myself. run for the hills.
so tonite, instead of enjoying the wonders of over-bright lights and too-loud music, i'm gonna do laundry, dishes, and watch tv. ooooh, so exciting *dripping sarcasm* but i'm just so tired...
~~***~~
it's occured to me recently that, were i to stop whining, complaining, repeating myself, bitching, and generally making a nuisance of myself, there wouldn't be much left to my personality. any idea how depressing that is? yes, yes, i'm a wonderful, caring person. *looks at ford and 'fana* i know. i appreciate the sentiment, but let's face it, shall we? i'm not looking for sympathy here. i'm just trying to puzzle this through as i'm only ever able to do by writing something down.
the human personality seems to be made up of infinite small quirks, traits and mannerisms that makes each of us unique and individual. when we notice something about ourselves that we don't like, we try to change it. sometimes we're even successful. yet when we are, isn't that trait automatically replaced by something else, something which could potentially be just as annoying (or more so) than what we've just eliminated? or is it too much to assume that the personality must contain a certain number of traits and quirks. it seems that, over the years, i've eliminated (or, at least, decreased) a number of things about myself i considered detrimental or wrong. and yet, i've still got things about myself that bother me, or even that i would be only too happy to stop doing if i had the concentration to catch myself every time. so did these traits crop up once i got rid of the old ones? were they latent and only awakened once there was space for them? or are they only noticeable now because the others are gone? is it possible to eliminate all the bad traits and be left with nothing?
apparently, the architectural part of myself insists that everything be delineated and proportional. silly me.
alright, i'm just rambling, i guess. i just don't like who i am right now, and without a concerted effort to pinpoint exactly what i wanna change, i can't make a proper effort to change it. i don't think i could ever be a pleasant person. i'm too harsh, too honest, too plainspoken, too direct. apparently, too rude as well, but that's a matter of opinion. (it's reassuring to know that at least one of my coworkers thought the entire "attitude adjustment" speech from my manager was funny).
*shrug*
alright, enuf. i'll undoubtedly be back in a few hours, with more ramblings and musings and generally useless thoughts of interest to no one but myself. run for the hills.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2003-05-28 05:04 pm (UTC)From:Ithelwen used to hate that about me, because I was never the same when we were around other people as when it was just the two of us. She could easily note the changes and honestly, usually didn't really like the people I became around others.
Now, calling it "becoming other people" may be a bit extreme, but the idea is still there. The notion that we react to the influences around us and act accordingly. The layers get muddled, when you start to try to figure out which traits govern how other traits are learned. Like what part of your personality that was formed when you were six, changes the stuff you picked up in highschool, and how do they both affect what you might learn now?
There's a base personality there in each of us, stuff I think we learned from our parents and during those first few years of our lives where every interaction with the world and people was a NEW thing. But after that, its open season. Given enough conscious understanding, you can start to channel some of the traits you pick up.
Mind you, other traits still slip by unnoticed by the conscious mind. But I would be sore surprised if there "wouldn't be much left" to your personality if you peel away the layers you don't like. Subtle is the human psyche, subtle and brilliant like a little blue light from across the room hitting you in the eyes when you're drunk ;)
Re:
Date: 2003-05-29 08:30 pm (UTC)From:as for the becoming other people thing, i call it adaptability, and i've got it in spades. have YOU ever seen ME with Red? silly!Cymry bashing her head in the pool... *shudders at memory* not one of my high points. but that's okay, because i know that those are traits i pick up due to empathy and adaptability. it's the traits i keep all the time that bother me...