a time for introspection.

[cymry]

i've been playing with the Random button on LJ for the past few days, and i've discovered one thing: while there are a lot of young, 15 year old kindergoths and other such nonsense out there, so too are there a whole range of highly intelligent, creative, inspiring people out there who make me wish i was other than i am.

and i refuse to let that attitude take me down.

admittedly, i need to refocus my creativity. i haven't touched any of my writing in over a month, i haven't drawn anything in at least 6, and i haven't designed anything in over a year. i'm tumbling downhill with no roots in sight, nothing to stop my headlong plunge into the abyss that is mediocrity. i hate it, i don't want to be there, yet reality intrudes in such a way that the life i want takes second place to the life i lead. and honestly, i just don't have the courage to jump off the train. the mist is just too thick.

so instead, i must do my best and come to terms with who i am and what i have become. i keep clutched to my chest the dregs of who i want to be, and strive to achieve those lack-luster dreams in the distant land of "some day". for now, i sit on this window ledge and contemplate the drop, look up at the sky and wish i could just float my way up to the clouds. the lights look so much prettier from up there.

i am not what you want me to be. i am not a corporate drone. yes, i am the reliable one, the one who gets things done, the rock in the flood that everyone gets to stand on, dry footed, as i sputter beneath the waves. but that is my honor and my duty, and i would not be complete without it. i could definately do without the self-doubt, however, and the mockery, the sneers, the adversity of the everyday world when faced with a plain, mousy girl who looks just like everyone else. i am who i need to be. maybe someday, i'll be who i want to be.

Comments

[bigdoggie.livejournal.com]

I guess i did the right think when I chose to want to be the person I need to be.
Am I the only person satisfied with myself?

Fate tends to it's own.

[thugfish.livejournal.com]

I will misquote this, but I will mark it down nonetheless:
"Be careful what you pretend to be because you are what you pretend to be."
--Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.

I don't see you as that 'mousy girl who looks just like everyone else'. But that's just me.
As for those two, well, if they are who they want to be, my question is, "Who do you want to be?"

[superhobbit.livejournal.com]

So you don't know me at all, as I just stumbled across you on a more or less random jaunt of my own. But what you write above? Is a rather better face placed upon what I have been doing the last...I don't want to think how many years.
And the brain suddenly deactivates. Hello! Good luck! What do (did) you write?
(I'm Josh, by the by.)