i died for you once more

nervous breakdown averted. close call though. just not a good day yesterday. can't even pinpoint why; it'd be so much easier if i could. now we'll just wait and see what happens next month...

my oven is determined to kill anything i try to cook, and for once it's not my fault. it's just becoming possessed, i think. things must come out the color of hell. everything's black... and SG just discovered the new smoke detector the building installed last week doesn't open up, so we can't take the batteries out if it goes off for no reason. goodie.

there is snow outside my window. *hiss* what happened to spring, damn it? maybe that explains my mood. they're taunting me!!!!

alright, i'm not gonna go poking too hard at my newly put-back-together emotional shielding right now, i might have a relapse. instead, i'll go attempt to put my old red/blue deck back together (if i can remember what was in it... verdict: not so good).

yeah, i'm a geek. =P

the cold rationality kicks in.

i am far too pragmatic for my own good. i analyze everything, search for possible meanings, interpret things as terribly and cynically as i can, and proceed to drown in my own self loathing. i fluctuate wildly between the cold/unemotional/downright uncaring attitude i project to strangers and my everyday paranoia of emotional backlash, where i've always got one finger on the shutdown button, ready and waiting for emotional overload.

and yet, when it comes to the important stuff, no problem. i am calm, i am collected, i take it all in stride. it's the little stuff that sends me reeling, like a drunken sailor on a saturday night. i reel right off the boat and drown in my own self-centeredness, choke on my gullibility and dependance. it disgusts me, but its too ingrained in my nature to be a quick-fix problem. there is too much wiring in there, and i can't even figure out which wire to cut.

cut the blue one!
they're all blue!

I'm having a weak moment,
A moment that may not end...

and yet, i know it will. everything will end. something will happen, and i'll deal with it. maybe not well, maybe not in the easiest manner for myself or anyone around me, but i will deal with it, and come out kicking, screaming, and frothing at the mouth on the other side. beware the wolfie.

it's the waiting that kills me, you know. the uncertainty. the not knowing. it's painful. and stressful. it looms. looooooooooooooms. grr. argh.