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i need a good kick in the ass.
Sep. 16th, 2003 10:22 pmwhy is it always so difficult to motivate myself into doing ANYTHING? only one class this semester, and still i feel like i need someone to hold a gun to my head merely to do the readings. so much for my short-lived goal of getting a really good grade in it... though it looks like i may be the only person in class who has a vague idea what the teacher is talking about. yay for the only decent Anthro teacher in all of Concordia teaching me stuff that actually stuck in my brain for over 10 seconds... not to mention being able to apply it 3 years later.
i live in my own fear-riddled hell. i hide it well, of course, putting on a mask and smiling nicely all 'round to please the crowd, but inside i just sit and hope no one discovers the child in the corner, shivering and trying very hard not to be seen. and then people wonder how i got so good at invisibility fields? *sigh* it's funny, cause i'm not even depressed. it's more of a need to crawl out occasionally, get a glimpse of the world, then run back to hide again. i despise cowardice, especially in myself.
my writing has taken a turn for the better recently. managed several pages today in class (yes, i consider this accomplishment ~ at least i'm paying $250 to get SOMETHING done), even though they're on a story completely different from the one i told myself i'd work on. ah well. predictability was never my strong point.
i'm also striving to make this less of a social affair and more of an actual journal. useful as LJ is as a communication device, it's above all a place to write thoughts and think things through, which i honestly haven't been doing much of lately. but as more and more people are dropping off LJ to return to their regularly scheduled lives, i can return to my original intent. time for some deep and meaningful posts ~ or just more ranting and raving. likely the latter. *shrug*
i live in my own fear-riddled hell. i hide it well, of course, putting on a mask and smiling nicely all 'round to please the crowd, but inside i just sit and hope no one discovers the child in the corner, shivering and trying very hard not to be seen. and then people wonder how i got so good at invisibility fields? *sigh* it's funny, cause i'm not even depressed. it's more of a need to crawl out occasionally, get a glimpse of the world, then run back to hide again. i despise cowardice, especially in myself.
my writing has taken a turn for the better recently. managed several pages today in class (yes, i consider this accomplishment ~ at least i'm paying $250 to get SOMETHING done), even though they're on a story completely different from the one i told myself i'd work on. ah well. predictability was never my strong point.
i'm also striving to make this less of a social affair and more of an actual journal. useful as LJ is as a communication device, it's above all a place to write thoughts and think things through, which i honestly haven't been doing much of lately. but as more and more people are dropping off LJ to return to their regularly scheduled lives, i can return to my original intent. time for some deep and meaningful posts ~ or just more ranting and raving. likely the latter. *shrug*
